Commentary On The Cuckold Husband

by Diane M.

I see I have gotten your attention. The truth is I’m not even sure myself where I’m going with this, I’m not even sure I’ll stick to my intended subject.

Perhaps it’s best to start out with a definition of the word cuckold. As defined in the dictionary “A man married to a unfaithful wife.” Simple enough, the guy’s wife cheats. Many men fit this category, for it may surprise you how many wives actually have cheated at least once. But cuckold has come to mean something more, at least according to the many stories written on the internet I read, those stories about men who want their wives to be unfaithful. That does bring up the question of what is unfaithful. Is a woman who has sexual relations with other men with the total approval of her husband really unfaithful? I’m sure this could be debated. But I think not. Being unfaithful, would to most people, be cheating. Having approval is not cheating.

Of course, we’re talking only an open marriage on a one-way street. The expectations of a monogamous husband are both expected and required in cuckoldry.

I think we need to redefine cuckold to mean any husband who wants his wife to have sexual relationships with other men. I further propose that we refine the definition to mean a husband who is at least somewhat obsessed with the idea. Adding further that he constantly craves such an experience. Most do from what I have seen.

I propose we define cuckold to mean a husband who desires his wife to subjugate him to a secondary sexual role by having relationships primarily with other men.

The myriad of motivations of both is less easily defined. Many men are willing to allow his wife the pleasure of a MFM threesome but he’s doing it for both of them. She likes the experience and he likes the thrill of watching. Nothing wrong with that, as they both get something out of it.

On the other extreme, she consents at first to fulfill his fantasy and please him by sleeping with another man. But finding she loved it, she now continues for her own pleasure, often despite or at least oblivious to any objection her husband may raise. Before long she may realize her husband will do just about anything to watch or even hear about her experiences.

Just think of the advantages her life now takes on. She may find that he’ll watch the kids and even straighten up the house while she is gone, or even more. He may even take a role in procuring lovers for her, if she so desired. There may be no limit to what he would do for her, in order to insure that she continues. Oh my god, why did I not think of this sooner? Not only can I live a sexually liberated life of my choice, I can make my life easier.

Since I became a poster here I was contacted by a man who wanted me to teach his wife to be just like me. (I wonder if he’d pay me?) I find this a strange request, as he doesn’t really know me or who I am. For most women like me sex, even cuckold sex with other men, involves emotions you guys can’t understand. Yes it may be just sex but for women sex is still more emotion then it is for men. I can’t teach another woman how to do this. Her decision to do so must begin within your relationship and grow outward from there, as mine did.

After a bit of self discovery, the what and the why of who I was and who I am became more clear to me. I have become stronger and more self aware, and I also realize that I love women almost as much as men. In my mind I’ve probably always been bisexual, one who admittedly hid for most of her adult life, but still the feelings have always been there. I was always attracted to women. Sexually I’m more bisexual then lesbian, but I do believe all women are or can be bisexual. To deny that is just asinine to me. Sex is about pleasure, either sex can do that for women. In many past cultures female bisexuality was the norm not the exception. Women are a part of my sex life, and hence our sex life, which my husband is aware of. His preference remains for my involvement to be mostly with other men, which I am also happy to provide.

We have our preferences as all couples do. He prefers my lovers to be better hung than he. Second, he prefers my lovers to be better than he. This seems silly, as my husband is a giving lover between the sheets. Third, he prefers my lovers to be more dominant than I am accustomed to with him. As a closet submissive this is also my preference.

Last, maybe the most important, is his desire to see me as a sex object, a temporary state of our relationship that is based on lust, not love. I realize that this is part of all fantasies, and often find myself enthralled with that role. Object all you may want, but calling your a wife a cock-sucking whore is the result of lust, not love. Seeing her being a cock-sucking whore with someone else is still lust, not love. Hearing how another man called her a cock-sucking whore on her date is lust, not love. As long as it’s part of your mutual fantasies and part of the lifestyle you both choose, then it’s all good. There is nothing wrong with it, as long as it is part of a larger, loving relationship.

I do not find it offensive to be seen as a sexual object. At times I long for it. It can be a great boost for the soul and the self-esteem. At times in any healthy relationship we see our lovers as a purely sexual object. I can lose myself in such lust even with someone else, as long as I feel secure that it is wrapped within a larger blanket of love and tenderness that I get at home.

I think many fantasies of my husband push the boundaries and often cross into the realm of pure fantasy. What would his reaction REALLY be if I decided I didn’t want to return to a monogamist relationship? How would he feel when some other man picked me up for a date but I didn’t come home that night because the sex was so wonderful? How would he truly react if I developed feelings for the other man? How would he truly feel if I were to tell him that only my lover could now satisfy my sexual needs? How would he really react if his friends knew his loving wife was available to them for their loving? What would he really do if I became pregnant with someone else’s child?

I’ve often heard it said that men usually get their wives into swinging, and then it’s the wife who chooses that they continue that lifestyle. I’m a woman and I can tell you that at some point it becomes less about pleasing your husband and more about enjoying other men. Men, your wife may try it the first time to please you. But if you find that she wants to continue, then you should know that at some point it will become about her pleasure, not yours. Some wives find they like having sex with different partners, and want to continue. It happens for real.

Most of us at some time or other wanted a man other then our husband. Some of us acted on that. I think you men sometimes underestimate our sexual appetite. You confuse control with lack of desire. I assure you, we can be just as lustful as you are. However, we are brought up to show control. Society judges us to be weak and wanting if we do not show control. If we act like men, as concerns sex, we are called sluts. Where is the equivalent term for a man?

In a way it is sad, but we as women are the harshest judges of all, and we judge other women by a much higher standard then we judge you men. That is slowly changing and in many ways that has already changed. Women are already much more accepting of gender preference then you men are. I really think Bill Clinton was lucky he was the president when he was and not ten years from now. The polls show, we as women did not judge Bill badly but we did judge Monica a slut. Someday we’ll wake up and we’ll see that men like Bill are users. When that day comes we may just decide we can be users to. You men may well regret that. We may choose to use you for the same purposes men have always used women.

I do thank you for taking the time to read this. And here’s wishing all of you loving, cuckold husbands the best, may you come home from work next week and find your wife making love to one of your best buddies.

Diane

Why I cuckold my husband: A Testimony

Why do I cuckold my husband?

The politically correct answer would be: “My husband is a cuckold, because that is what he is longing for and because he wants me to lead him to a deeper submission. If he wouldn’t, I wouldn’t do it.”

The answer is correct, and forms part of the reason why I began doing it, but I have to admit, in the presend I make my husband a cuckold because I like it.

I love making love with a man, and I love that my husband does not have the right to have the same priviledges as I have. I admit. I love meeting men, the whole process from the beginning of the meeting until the conclusion. I love my husband and I keep him up to date of things, because I love his support and his deepening submission, I love it when he feels the humiliation, and because I think it’s the role of man in a marriage.

It is part of who I am, what I believe. It is not a game but a way of life, and a statement.

As I said, I love the whole process. I like to flirt, seduce, be seduced by a beautiful man. I like to be asked out on a date. I like to tease my husband about my encounters. I like it when my husband helps me prepare for a new appointment.

I like to go out. I love the game, and to test a man. I like the kiss (the first kiss!), the first caress, to be in
his arms, and yes, I love sex! I like to see my husband before and after, shy, tormented, or otherwise confused. I love this power I feel, and I like what it gives me, and above all I like what it does to my husband.

And I can tell you, you do not know how it feels to really control a man until he is a cuckold, your cuckold, who knows and who is kept chaste throughout the process.

The cuckolding process is so much more then having sex. It is liberating and by allowing it my husband accepts his subservient position. It is a total power exchange of the husband submitting to the dominant female.

It is neither swinging nor wife swapping. It doesn’t happen because my husband craves for it. I would have stopped after the first try. I continued because it increases my pleasure, and because I feel like it. I enjoy every minute of it. Meanwhile, my husband exists to serve me. Everything is for my pleasure, and the frustration of my husband forms part of the pleasure.

It was my husband who brought it up, more then once. He had to convince me. Before I decided to give it a try, I told my husband that if we would do it, it might be permanent. And indeed. There is no way back.

Cuckolding Article for Counselling Australia Journal

A good read for those interested in the cuckold lifestyle is “Not Without My Wife: an exploration of the cuckold lifestyle.” It is an article by kink friendly, non judgemental Dr. Angela Lewis. She is also the author of “My Other Self”, a book published in 2010, that contains the stories of ordinary folk quietly leading extraordinary private lives. The book is the result of a 4 year project of gathering narratives and interviewing people who enjoyed a wide range of alternative sexual practices.

The comment of Barb Stapleton on the article underlines the importance of the work of Dr. Angela Lewis: “An extremely thought provoking article. In view of the author’s reasons for producing this, I hope and pray that counsellors take the time to read and absorb its contents. Understanding not judgement is required in so many situations, particularly if one has no comprehension of the contents of a discussion. The most common reaction has to be to fall back into ones own lifestyle, with no point of reference, and from this viewpoint there can be no understanding only judgement. I am writing this from the point of a heterosexual woman with no experience in any of the lifestyles listed in the Categories, but I do not feel I have any right to question anyone else’s choices.”

Introduction; Courtship and Romance

“All marriages are happy. It’s living together afterwards that is difficult.”
Anonymous

Once upon a time, you’ll remember, your husband would bring you flowers, open doors for you and generally offer you his open and sincere heart. If your marriage is like most marriages it has grown comfortable and, let’s admit it, stale, over time. “The thrill is gone,” is the lament of so many married couples. Familiarity and routine, recriminations and disappointments, take a predictable toll on happy-every-after relationships. Husbands and wives drift apart, physically and emotionally, or maintain alliances of custom and convenience, keepers of a flickering flame. By the time you hit midlife, your marriage is “settled” and most often things start to cool down. Certain aspects become repetitive as people take each other for granted. The love may still be there but it is a less passionate, more platonic love; a familiar love. In the most negative instances this can lead to increasing unhappiness and frustration and ultimately, in the worst case scenario, infidelity and divorce. Even in the best cases, I will offer, it is less of a marriage than it could be.

If you don’t believe me, allow me to refresh your memory a little. I am now talking to women who are married or who were married before. Remember when you were first dating? Remember how accommodating your future husband was and how all his desires were directed at you? Think back… Remember how he was so sweet and kind. Remember how he used to bring you flowers or little gifts? He would do whatever you wanted to do and go wherever you wanted to go. Do you remember what it was like, how exciting it all was? Remember your wedding day, and the love and romance of your honeymoon? Remember that?  Remember how much you loved him then? Let me ask you this. Has it changed? If so, what do you think changed?

Of course once you got married, your day-to-day interactions will almost always have changed, become more domestic. Maybe relatives or in-laws took more of your time and in many cases children entered the mix. Regardless of this evolution, almost certainly your husband’s attitude changed, didn’t he?

• Did he tend to ignore you?
• Did more and more often something become a fight and/or an argument?
• Did he become a little more selfish?
• Did he start to disrespect you in private or maybe even in public?
• Maybe he started to hang around his friends again or he watched television all the time or he played video games or he surfed the web continuously.
• Did he become absorbed with work and work related activities?
• Did he start to refuse to go with you to visit your friends and family?
• Did he refuse to go with you shopping or to the places that he once loved to go along with you just to be near you?
• Did the flowers and gifts stop?
• Maybe he became cheap and tight with money?
• Then there is the sex. Sex used to happen anywhere or anytime, used to last all night and be so exciting. Now, has it become boring, predictable and fast?

Perhaps you have asked your self, what happened to the passion? What happened to the romantic guy that you were dating? While it is unlikely that all of the above symptoms apply in your particular circumstance, I’m sure virtually every married woman will be able to point to some of the above as prevalent in her marriage.

There seems a sad inevitability in all this. Most wives assume that this is the natural course of marriage like the erosion of a rock by a river or the fading of paint in the sunlight. Love has its seasons, as John Gray reminds us in “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”. It’s folly to expect eternal springtime, perpetual romance. Most marriage counselors would agree. Divorce attorneys can be even more pragmatic. They know that once the cancer of disaffection has spread, the damage is almost always irreversible.

What if?

But what if it’s not necessarily true? What if love can be rekindled, even the all-consuming passion of first love? And not rekindled briefly, for just a season, but “ever after,” creating that fairytale future couples dream about when saying their vows? As you ask yourself the above questions, think about how exciting and fulfilling your life and your relationship could be if this were possible. Well, the answer is that it can be exactly like this if this is what you want.

This is not fantasy. This is not theory. The wisdom I share is based on the experience of real wives in a variety of real marriages. This is an important point because as you read this, at first you may not believe it will work or think that it may work for someone else but not for you. If you are skeptical I can only urge that you set aside your skepticism long enough to read, understand, and experiment with the ideas we will discuss. You will be able to reduce your skepticism by taking small steps to gain confidence and satisfying yourself that what I say not only is true but that it does apply to your specific situation.

The fact of the matter is that it is not the absence of love that grinds relationships downward towards tedious routine. Rather, it is a consequence of something that most couples leave behind when they become married: Courtship.

Courtship

“Courtship was 15 or 16 years ago for my wife and me,” one husband eloquently testified. “Now that we are married, courtship seems a distant memory.”

Consider also the following excerpt from a recent letter to an advice columnist

Dear Ann Landers: I have been married for three years, and my husband and I recently had a baby boy. I adore being a mother, but lately, I’ve begun to have serious questions about my marriage.

“All the romance and passion have dwindled to almost nothing. My husband and I can go for days without so much as a touch, and yet it doesn’t seem to bother him. He used to be very affectionate, but it seems he’s forgotten how. Whenever I try to make time for just the two of us, he is ‘too tired.’ I know he works hard, but I’m becoming frustrated and angry.

I tried to talk to my husband about this recently and asked him, ‘Where did my romantic husband go? Have you seen him?’ He laughed and replied, ‘There is no need for romance after marriage. Guys just do that stuff to get a girl.”

Anything sound familiar?

So what exactly do we mean by courtship and how does it fit in?

Courtship is the act of wooing in love, it is a man seeking the affection of a woman with intent to romance.

By reviving courtship in your marriage you can discover new possibilities of love and passion that you had thought long lost. You can recreate the kind of passionate love in your marriage that you experienced when you were first dating your husband. Working together you can rekindle courtship.

The essentials of courtship

“Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it.”
Helen Rowland (1876-1950)

To understand the essentials of courtship, you must consider the basic character of both men and women. Millions of years of evolution have produced creatures with certain fundamental and immutable characteristics. One of these is that all males have the hunter’s gene within them. They are the hunters, the pursuers, the competitors. Men have hunted and competed for everything throughout the ages from the haunch of a wild boar on the tropical plains of Africa to the possession of a pigskin on a gridiron. Of course one of the greatest prizes that men have always pursued is the affections and attentions of women. Thus, women can be seen as the prize for which men compete, they are the pursued.

Men will work to overcome all manner of obstacles in order to successfully gain their prizes. The gaining of the prize itself though is not always what it seems. Men do not value or respect that which they have won too easily. While prehistoric man would indeed hunt slower, tamer animals for food, it was the hunt of the more ferocious carnivorous animals that would dominate the folklore and lend itself to the creation of art & ornamentation drawn from the slain animals’ remains. Likewise no modern professional football player would value an easily gained victory against a local amateur team. It is the hard-fought victory over equal or preferably even greater odds that has value. In a similar vein, the woman who offers herself too quickly and too easily to men is seldom respected or valued. Many women would no doubt be familiar with acquaintances in their school years who would willingly and eagerly have sex with numerous young males, so-called “easy lays”. These young women would invariably find themselves not respected or highly valued by the men who would so readily partake of her sexual favours.

Therefore we can see that men will value the prize that they pursue in direct proportion to the amount of effort necessary to achieve that particular goal. It is also obvious then that the effort that a man is willing to expend will increase according to the value of the prize he is pursuing. Bringing ourselves back to our courting discussion we can now see that in order for a man to win the prize of his lady, he must expend effort. In most cases a great deal of effort. As discussed the more effort he must expend, the greater will be his perception of the eventual prize. Thus when seeking that most wondrous of prizes, a female’s attention, men are willing to expend prodigious amounts of effort. This is essentially what we see in the dating/ courting phase of male/female relationships. So when we now consider the dating behaviour exhibited by your husband that we discussed at the beginning of this article we see that he was engaged in a chase with your attentions and affections as the prize. For a male there is no greater symbol of the winning of that chase than that of achieving a sexual relationship with his desired woman.

Thus as we can see male sexual desire is, stimulated by challenge. Yes, that’s right. The greater the challenge, the greater the sexual desire. No wonder then that marriage becomes stale. When your husband no longer has to pursue you for sex he loses passion. Your desire for his attention only leads to frustration and disappointment for both of you.

Returning to the concept of courtship, we can now see that effort is an essential element of courtship. A man does not pursue that which he already has. This is the key concept in the loss of courtship in most marriages. Too many marriages proceed on the assumption that the romance has been won, the prize awarded, the chase ended. The most tangible attribute of the romance, sex, may be fun and enjoyable but much of the passion is robbed by the certainty of sex in marriage.

The key to rediscovering courtship in marriage is to withdraw the certainty of the consummated romance. This simple idea leads in all sorts of interesting and exciting directions. The purpose of this article is to explore some of these, to point you in the direction of others and to enable you to rediscover courtship in your marriage and thereby bring back that excitement and passion that has been diminished or lost.

As we move forward in this discussion, I would like all my female readers to understand this is not a one sided campaign. This is fun. F-U-N fun! Whatever you do, both you and your husband will do it together because both of you want to make it happen. You and your husband can really add new dimensions to your marriage and turn each day into a new page in an ongoing novel of romantic play.