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The Cuckold Husband / Hotwife Phenomena

March 12, 2010

Dr. Cherry Lee, Ph. D.

(Dr. Lee has lectured and published in the area of analytical psychology, and she developed one of the first electronic systems for the quantitative analysis human behavior.

She started her counseling work by leading gestalt therapy groups. Apart from this, her several decades of professional experience has been largely limited to urban, affluent, female subjects.)

What Has Spurred the Cuckold Husband/Hotwife Phenomena?
Although motivations for the cuckold husband/hotwife phenomena actually cover a wide spectrum, here we’ll cover a few of the most common.

First, the husband may suspect that his wife is becoming interested in experiencing sex with someone else. He may value the relationship and not want her to jeopardize things because of the deceit and secrecy that normally accompany affairs. In short, he wants to know about and approve any extramarital sex, and even have some control over it. The cuckold husband wants his wife’s sexual encounters with men to be for sex only, with no marriage-threatening emotional entanglements. In this respect it is similar to attitudes about extramarital sex now held by many of the younger people in Japan.

The mass media often cast beautiful and desirable women as both sexy and prone to sexual liaisons. Whereas this type of woman used to be considered a “fallen woman” or even a “whore,” in some minds she now seems to represent an enticing new standard.

Some women used to brag about how they could avoid marital sex, and despite the views of some radical feminists, such women are now suspected as being man-haters, latent lesbians, or simply having personal problems. Now, many women find a certain excitement in being viewed as sexually liberated. For some, especially some older women, there may be a certain ego gratification in still being viewed as being sexually desirable — even discretely promiscuous. While holding to the security of her primary relationship, she may revel in experiencing sexual freedom.

At the same time, most cuckold husbands want their wives to appear ladylike on the surface (in public.). But, among select men, they want they wives to be known as and “not hung up about sex,” or even “great lays.” Although this type of wife was once considered a threat to husbands — and it still is to most — the more psychologically secure males believe that a healthy and well-adjusted (and desirable) woman enjoys sex, and has the right to be just as open about it as men.

Plus, the husbands involved may pride themselves in being secure enough to handle a hotwife. He may even brag to another man about how his wife loves sex and can’t get enough (which, not coincidentally, may be very much in contrast to the attitude of that man’s wife). Implicit in the comment is that the husband has no problem with this, and that, in fact, he thinks his wife is pretty “hot.” In many cases sex within the marriage has waned or grown dull and routine and the husband may get vicarious excitement in seeing (sometimes literally) his wife remain sexually active.

Many women realize that other women regularly enjoy “good sex,” and although many wives have grown ambivalent about sex within their marriages and are reluctant to try new things, these barriers frequently fall with the expectations of new sexual partners. With new men there appears to be unspoken desire to “not disappoint” and “to be good in bed.”

Even though she may have started to have doubts about her sexual desirability, as a hotwife she will probably find that men are again interested in her. For some women this can constitute a kind of new “sexual awakening.”
This transformation can be quite disturbing for a husband who isn’t prepared to handle it. These issues are discussed in much more detail in the next chapter.

In some circles a woman may wear a bold ankle bracelet on her right ankle to tell men “in the know” that she’s a hotwife. (At the same time, most women who wear ankle bracelets do so without realizing the possible significance.) Once seen as a hotwife, she may flirt with select men, making it clear that she’s available for sex.

Women As Sex Objects?

Many women feel that being a hotwife turns a woman into a sex object. This seems to be primarily based on the premise that enjoying sex is a masculine prerogative. However, more and more women are finding that this is not so.

Most women have lived their lives trying to act “like proper women” and shunning men “who have one thing on their minds.” Now, according to one woman, “I let guys know I like sex.”

Thus, she may soon get beyond, “what other people will think” and concentrate on the pleasures of the sexual experience — in particular, experiencing regular orgasms. This is often bolstered by the excitement that surrounds the culturally taboo aspects of a married women having sex with other men.

Often the Husband’s Idea

All of this notwithstanding, the cuckold husband/hotwife phenomena is typically the idea of the husband who not only knows about the high number of female affairs, but is even sexually excited by visualizing another man having sex with his wife.

According to one husband, “I had to really change my view about how a wife is supposed to be, especially with guys finding out she’s ‘easy.’ But now I can sort of get off on having a woman that guys know is pretty hot. Fact is, instead of being embarrassed or defensive, I now sort of brag about how she loves sex, and then I casually mention that this sure makes her a lot different than most wives.”

According to another husband, “…after a while I got into the idea of encouraging her to let guys give her all the sex she can handle. …She’s settled on several guys she likes and she gets it from at least one of them almost every day. I don’t mind her going off with a guy for a few hours; I don’t feel like I have to take her out — they do that. In fact, I have to admit, I sort of get off on knowing [when she goes out with a guy] that he will soon have her clothes off and be in her. I can kind of get of on visualizing them going at it.”

From her husband’s perspective, if he can rid himself of the “fallen woman baggage” that pervades most of our culture, the fact that she is pursued by men, makes herself available to men, and is frequently bedded by men, introduces a bit of competition for her. This can strengthen the husband’s resolve to “treat her right.”

Or, things can move in the opposite direction, with the husband feeling that, to a degree, she is no longer “his,” and he may find himself emotionally distancing himself from her. If such feelings aren’t effectively addressed and resolved, they may seriously damage the relationship. Things aren’t helped when his change in attitude is accompanied by her (however transient) excitement about new men in her life.

From the husband’s perspective there is sometimes a “taming of the shrew” element. He may fantasize about a powerful (safe) man sexually awakening and dominating her, and forcing her to break free of sexual inhibitions. Some husbands know how exciting a new sexual partner and experience can be, and want to offer some other men this experience with their wives.
A husband may also fantasize about having a wife that is, to a degree, driven by both a physical and a psychological need for sex. Visualizing or seeing first-hand other men meeting this need in her —but only with his permission— may excite him.

The Woman’s Perspective

Women have a different perspective on being a hotwife, of course. According to one woman, “I’ve got a sense of freedom in enjoying the company of men and not being paranoid about a jealous husband, or even being worried about what people will think. If I want to do it with a guy, I have the freedom to let it happen.

At the same time, the hotwife does not want jealousy or resentment to ruin her marriage or threaten the unusual freedom she enjoys, a freedom she knows that very few husbands would be willing to grant. Therefore, she needs to be careful to be totally open and honest to her husband about her lovers. This means that there will be no secret conversations or secret meetings with men. It may also mean that the husband may want to approve of the men she has sex with.

The cuckold husband may want his wife to announce her sexuality by wearing revealing clothes. For example, he may accompany her to a night spot in a distant city and have her dress in ultra-revealing clothes. This can serve to get them both used to the resulting male attention. Rather than being jealous, having a wife that is seen by other men as sexually “hot” may provide him with an ego boost. (Dare we suggest that for some men hot wives are replacing hot cars as a source of pride.) Thus, while the male and female motivations might be quite different in the cuckold husband-hotwife phenomena, the ultimate goal can be the same.

The husband has to adjust to his wife not being sexually exclusive to him. He will have to deal with meeting men who have had or want to have sex with her. To compensate for any suspected loss of his virility, the husband may remind others of his own previous sexual escapades. At the same time to prove his lack of jealousy, he may freely admit to men that his wife regularly enjoys sex with different men, and he may even subtly offer her to select men. According to one man, “I like to set things in motion like that just to see what happens.”

The Quintessential Issue

What may seem desirable for the husband or wife while under the influence of testosterone, libido or fantasy, may later seem like a huge mistake. The result may be regret and marital estrangement.

Clearly, the cuckold husband/hotwife idea is at odds with cultural conditioning and human tendencies toward jealousy and possessiveness. Although these traits may not be desirable, they are the norm and must be recognized. Even assuming that both partners are okay with going in this direction, most of society isn’t. With most people there is still a sigma associated with a promiscuous wife and a husband that lets his wife have extramarital sex. Most people who find out about this will respond negatively toward both partners.

This can be a problem in a work environment where “character” is a part of job performance and promotion considerations. (A common male chauvinistic attitude with roots in the “wife as the husband’s property” notion says that a husband should keep his wife “under control,” and if she has affairs she definitely isn’t “under control.”)
While many couples are able to keep their sexual activities private, they may live with the fear that they may be found out. At the same time, self-employed people who live in large urban areas, or people who work around like-minded individuals probably won’t have this concern.

All this being said, given the ever-increasing number of affairs, and the emerging attitudes about condoned affairs in countries such as Japan, one wonders if somewhere down the road to cultural enlightenment U.S. society won’t be ready to accept open relationships. We seem to be in the early stages of that now.

Although the transition will certainly be bumpy, if we are able to shift our emphasis to love and commitment to hold relationships together, rather than the refutable doctrines about sexual exclusivity which simply cater to jealousies and insecurities, it would not only eliminate much heartache, but it would remove many of the “justifications” for dissolving relationships.

19 Comments leave one →
  1. Paula permalink
    October 31, 2011 5:51 pm

    Alot to read here and what I have read is extremely interesting. As a decent professional man I find it amazing how a man can ‘give’ himself to another human being…his wife…and love her so much that he will allow her to do anything and subject himself to anything.

    This is the position that I find myself in and find it a very fulfilling and wonderful lifestyle.

    I look forward to reading more of this Blog. Thank you.

    • December 31, 2011 7:30 am

      Have you ever had any jealousy episode? What is the best to make this lifestyle work in your opinion? Thank you

  2. peter permalink
    November 3, 2011 5:19 am

    I am in a long distance marriage. It really is devastating, but in a way we worked out a system where she can have anonymous cybersex, and although she might complains at times, she loves to see well endowed guys which make her very horny and wet to masturbate. I enjoy that too.
    Next stage, I have allowed to be able to do, because we can only meet two times a year, although she is a little reluctant, she said she might do if im present (which if i could, i would do myself, instead of a “service”).
    I am positive she would enjoy it, I told her she might record it and send by email (we are in different continents).
    I wonder if this is kind of understandable, or if im just freaking out
    I will appreciate serious feedback,

    Thank you

  3. jim permalink
    January 2, 2012 4:57 am

    My wife has cucked me many times and mostly i have been present and either cleaned up the other mans cum or had it deposited in my mouth directly, i have been cucked by massive black cocks , massive other cocks , cocks that cum many times andcocks that shoot massive loads of cum. I would like to chat with someone about this and my experieces and how we can guide pam into a long term relationship with some other men

    • PETER permalink
      February 11, 2012 5:23 am

      You got an email account?

    • Dan permalink
      April 9, 2012 9:58 pm

      Hi, Jim.
      I’m just beginning to admit to the reality of my wife’s life-long love for her college boyfriend. I’m looking to give her the best of all worlds, while making it part of my love for her and my marriage. Perhaps we can exchange perspectives.

    • jon permalink
      September 2, 2013 10:31 am

      i’d like to discuss this with someone experienced…

  4. Harry permalink
    January 5, 2012 3:34 pm

    Very interesting article.
    We are a couple who have taken part in this and I always find the terms “Cuckold” and “Hotwife” somehow miss the mark. We love each other very much and share the experience which is not me being cuckolded. It is a mutually exciting experience, for all three of us. For me, I enjoy seeing my wife experiencing orgasms with another man, a sort of first hand pornographic encounter with someone I love. For her its the chance to make love to different men and to fulfill fantasies of making love to more than one man at a time. For the third party? Well I can’t answer that.

    My Wife is not a “hotwife”, she is my love and that makes me biased but she is not “Hot”.

    I guess it was me who started it all, about 10 years ago, when we started telling each other stories in bed. I started to notice that when it was my turn she got very excited when the stories involved a second man. It went on from there and eventually turned into reality.

    At the very beginning I had a panic attack about it but once I realised she was not going to leave me or replace me I let her do the running.

    Its an incredible rush seeing your partner enjoying another and one I wouldn’t want to give up.

    • themistresswants permalink
      January 6, 2012 3:09 pm

      I do understand your feelings and the fact that you love your wife dearly is wonderful…as my husband does me. However, make no bones about it…you are a cuckold. Your wonderful wife is certainly your wife but I guess this makes her your cuckoldress even though you are fully aware of what is going on and with whom. It does not mean that all three (or more) of you cannot enjoy it.

      The term ‘Hotwife’ does tend to refer to swinging couples but I know that you two (same for my hubby and I) do not regard yourselves as swingers although I do not particularly mind the term ‘hotwife’ personally. I quite like it.

      What is not clear is whether your wife allows you to play with other women. If she does (but guess she does not) then perhaps you are more aligned to the term ‘swinging’….and I am not saying that as an insult to you both.

      Different people/couples define things for themselves and for what is comfortable for them. There is no right or wrong in my view as long as the couple are in a loving Female Led Relationship. I have seen debates on all sorts of sites with folks getting ‘all of a dither’ and getting upset when referring to cuckolding as swinging and so on.

      Everyone is entitled to their opinion.

      As for me. I salute you and your Wife/Mistress and it is absolutely beautiful to see a loving couple enjoy their relationship and each other as much as you do.

      I am also very lucky to share the same relationship with my hubby whore.

      Take care,

      The Mistress Wants

  5. July 17, 2012 4:35 am

    All this being said, given the ever-increasing number of affairs, and the emerging attitudes about condoned affairs in countries such as Japan, one wonders if somewhere down the road to cultural enlightenment U.S. society won’t be ready to accept open relationships. We seem to be in the early stages of that now.

    Japanese may tolerate married women having affairs but Americans won’t. Americans are known to verbally abuse married women for having affairs and American men are known to kill their wives for having affairs alongside with their manstress, or male mistress. Domestic violence runs high in America compared to that of France or England, for example, because American men still see women as property and commodities. It’s no wonder American men are insecure and want their women to be less attractive to other men and more attractive to them only.

  6. steve permalink
    September 24, 2012 6:33 pm

    Me and my wife have been talking about this subject for awhile now, I would like to talk to a husband and see what his feelings are on this, I get the idea of watching her be pleasured by another man and how that could be sexy. I just don’t know that if you start is there any way it can be stopped.

    • October 2, 2012 6:29 pm

      Hi Steve,
      That will depend on the makeup of your relationship and the wants and needs of you both. Are you submissive to your wife? Do you do as you are told? Do you both want a cuck lifestyle? Cuckolding is risky and can be damaging….what if you want to stop but your wife stilld wants to carry on? Will you be able to take that? Have you discussed if you would be present whilst her being fucked or will she move to having sex with men when you are not there? There are all sorts of things you need to discuss and agree with otherwise you could be heading for an issue. On the other hand if you work it through it can be the most amazing experience for both of you…that will bring you even closer together.

      Good luck…and happy to chat via e-mail if you wish…ask me for it if you want it.

      Paula…..slut husband to The Mistress Wants

  7. Rob permalink
    January 8, 2013 7:05 pm

    Email me on
    we are a couple who fantaszie about HOTWIFING and would love to chat with and learn from other folks with similar interests

  8. Jenks permalink
    April 18, 2013 2:16 pm

    This is an interesting article which exposes the multi-faceted nature of cuckolding. I find it a little disappointing that mainstream cuckolding articles on the web seem to assume that cuckolds are weak men turned on by humiliation. I know that I am not alone when I say that my wife and I are average, equals in life, and enjoy a loving relationship – sexually I am the dominant partner, and it was me that had the desire to see her with other men. These days I still have a sexually submissive wife, but she’s also sexually very experienced now. She is the centre of my sexual fantasies, so whilst I have no desire for other women, I enjoy the fact that she’s getting it – works for us!

  9. Dole permalink
    April 19, 2013 4:24 pm

    Interesting article. I have been playing with a thought for a long time to be cuckolded. Having a big resistance from my wife. Our sex life is very bad and I though that this would spice a bit. I always had that desire to see wife with fit, dark, young well endowed guy. Any idea how to persuade her to do it?

    • December 26, 2016 9:52 pm

      Start by either letting her catch you watching IR porn..or openly show her what you like to watch..either way be very positive with what you say about it.
      Try to embark on a conversation about what she watched. My comments usually went something like ‘Wow! Omg baby! Did you see that?…that was so hot’..
      It may take a while for her to become comfortable with the idea…but please don’t be pushy or demanding about it. Good luck.

  10. John permalink
    May 16, 2013 12:09 pm

    Uh… which one of you have a hotwife? I’ll cum in her pussy for you.
    No, but in all seriousness. I wish there was a way to satisfy all parties involved. I’d hate to bang a man’s wife only to find out that he is crushed by the fact. You people are saints. I’ve never personally had sex with a cuckold’s hotwife, but I am witness to those intra-relationship dynamics all the time. The south is supposed to have dominant women, and it shows for the most part. I can’t help but wonder if some of these men are cuckolds and if they’d be okay with me banging their wife. It’s all very interesting. This was a great article. Thanks for the good read.

  11. Tony permalink
    June 18, 2014 8:04 pm

    I’m an adherent of the libertine lifestyle, which has parallels with the cuckolding lifestyle. As far as sexual relationships are concerned, there is no exclusivity, free of egoism. We’re free to do as we please, as sex is pleasurable stimulation of the senses.

  12. Scott permalink
    January 28, 2016 2:03 am

    Has anyone ever heard of a gf or wife leaving a cuckold husband for the ‘other’ guy?

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